Carency

Sociologist Osawa once remarked: "When I realize what I might call 'alterity' already exists within me, I am struck by a sense of indebtedness, a realization of my interconnectedness that brought me to this point, and I am reminded of myself anew." This statement awakens me to the undeniable fact that I have sustained myself on the lives of other plants and animals and been nurtured within the cradle of society.

Philosopher Levinas, on the other hand, asserted that alterity, by its very nature unknowable and ever-changing, confronts us with a constant choice: to reject or embrace this alien otherness that approaches. In retrospect, I wonder if I have often rejected them to prove my righteousness, clinging to a proud but superficial self.

Throughout human history, this alterity has stood as a wall before us, an anomaly, a catalyst for the development of science, technology, and thought that form the bedrock of modern society. On the other hand, alterity has also been the source of countless historical tragedies, fueling fear, suspicion, and the rage that drives the "us versus them" dichotomy.

I still struggle to grasp the diversity demanded of us in this modern world. No matter how much I try to dismiss it with external justifications based on ideology, biological perspectives, or economic strategies, the deep-seated discomfort, resistance, and pain within me relentlessly lead to self-denial and self-contradiction. As I spread superficial tolerance, I seem to be rejecting the universality of human connection, yet deep down I am a bigot demanding it.

The other who both sustains and destroys me.
The other I cannot reject or fully accept.

I will pay more attention to the alterity that already exists within ourselves, in the "not-me" that is not you, and the "not-you" that is not me. I am convinced that the "sense of indebtedness" suggested by the sociologist at the beginning can be universally experienced as embodied knowledge, regardless of cultural, ideological, or social background. Only when a new form of tolerance is shared among people, even if each bears wounds and pain and follows a different good, will we truly become "I."

You and I, each embracing our otherness, step into the dance of "we." This may be the dawn of a new era, one that humanity has never before crossed.

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Alterity

This piece is based on 'Layer1' like web3.0. It might improve the quality of sound and expression.

According to a certain philosopher, the existence of oneself is a "convergence of multiple rhythms" and surprisingly, it seems not to be something firmly established. The boundary of "me," which feels this much immediacy, is ambiguous, and it's said that it's difficult to define where oneself begins and ends, unable to clearly distinguish between the inside and outside.

Learning about this idea, I reflected on my current life, where I belong to different communities while having various facets. If we think of each place as a layer, it can be said that by weaving layers upon layers, I am "brought to life." Each layer of myself is imperfect while still being myself, and for those who have lost sight of their overall identity, it may lead to significant fluctuations and losses in identity.

When faced with the question of what oneself is, I find it necessary to temporarily distance myself from activities in each layer and take an overarching view of "something like myself." While I have not yet reached a state where things are quite good overall, I realized that, while playing this tune, it's possible to overlay each layer anew. If inclined, it's also possible to let go. Perhaps this is what the philosopher earlier referred to as the convergence of rhythms.

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Layer2

We are sustained day by day through the periodic death of cells. Ironically, the cells constituting a human who wishes for longevity must not live too long. Perhaps entrusting ourselves to the profound life system and hoping for the proper functioning of apoptosis defines our existence.

I learned the importance of surrendering oneself to something greater from a certain autistic child. Despite lacking spoken words, he possessed a rich inner language and communicated with others through touch. Spending time with him, I noticed that he conveyed various intentions through the strength and frequency of touch. After learning about his unique way of expression, I gradually connected with him and, wanting to engage in more 'conversations,' eventually started exchanging through piano performances.

Even while I am playing, he unabashedly seeks touch. It might be hard to believe, but I find myself repeatedly touching him while playing. Please forgive the noise during the music, as it is mainly caused by his movements.

While playing this piece as usual, I experienced an indescribable sense of wonder. Around 4 minutes and 25 seconds, he suddenly started dancing in sync with the music. I intuited that there was something 'ahead.' I stopped the touch with him and changed gears. I completely abandoned my own intentions and simply let the music go wherever it wanted. I threw myself into it, moving my fingers only as a guide for his dance, like a thread leading. It felt like a kind of flow state, but unique in the sense of being connected with others.

He and I shared deep aspects through the music, and I believe we tasted the comfortable sensation of 'riding the rhythm of life.' There is neither autism nor normalcy, just a vast flow. The irreplaceable and grateful nature of being alive seems to manifest in space. I felt the wonder of being alive and the contours of life and death blur.

After finishing playing, he looked at me and smiled. Perhaps he already knew about this. To live always feeling the rhythm, released from the constraints, what a rich life it is.

Thank you for teaching me something important. From now on, I want to continue living richly, surrendering myself to the great flow and rhythm.

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Apoptosis

We often live without being consciously aware of how past experiences are influencing our present selves. However, just like underground streams suddenly welling up to the surface, these experiences can unexpectedly strike us and completely transform our worldview.

The protagonist of this story, since childhood, has struggled earnestly with the world and was deeply wounded in the process. Then, one day, she found herself compelled to accept the act of extreme fasting as a means to cope with her pain. The days when she had no choice but to express her inner turmoil by harming her own body must have been incredibly painful. Yet, with the support of her beloved family, she gradually regained hope for life and is now challenging herself with new endeavors, even attempting to overcome those walls.

This song was played solely for her, with the hope that she, once again, reconciles with the world. I earnestly wish for her to rediscover the meaning of life and to enjoy it in her own way.

Rather than seeking to understand the phenomena causing pain, we can find meaning even on difficult days by facing ourselves in pain. If we can properly acknowledge the pain, we can learn from it. This is a challenging task and something that cannot be done without the support of others. I want to extend the utmost respect to those facing their pain everywhere in the world and offer this song as a message of support.

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Penia

When faced with a situation that doesn't go as planned, some people will try to somehow escape from that state. The discomfort and sense of confinement arising from anxiety and fear about the future can be unbearable as if tightening the mind and body. On the other hand, some individuals will struggle in various ways to break through the situation. However, due to often incorrect perceptions of reality, their efforts may appear to be aimed at breaking through the current situation, yet they may be avoiding it, making excuses while pretending to accept it, and protecting their vulnerable selves, leading to many efforts ending in vain.

The protagonist of this song is a man who broke through the current situation. Even though he couldn't achieve it no matter how hard he tried to resolve it on my own, with the right timing, things were moving forward. 

It is challenging for someone in the whirlpool to correctly recognize what is happening. In his case, he previously led a reactive life towards the external world. The ideal self existing within him was undoubtedly distorting his perception of reality. 

While playing this song, riding on a pleasant rhythm, and savoring a refreshing feeling that could be described as neither running nor flying, I felt that I was being "carried." The energy that had been brewing within me gushed out like a burst dam, pushing towards the direction it should go. 

Through this song, I hope that, "through" it, those who listen will experience their lives moving in the direction they should.

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Through

What thoughts will a father have as he leaves behind his children? Will a strict father keep his dignity to the end, or will a tolerant father quietly accept his fate?

Even as the times and the way society works change, a father will always strive to fulfill his role as a parent, wishing for his children's growth until the last time. His strong will may sometimes lead to conflict with his family or incomprehensible behavior. Even if a rift has developed between him and his loved ones, the father's final shape is a real reflection of the path he has walked up to that point, a story in itself. In exchange for letting go of what he has protected and supported, Father will have been freed from suffering and pain, wishing for the happiness of those left behind.

Mahatma Gandhi once said, "My life is my message." The bereaved are fortunate to have time to appreciate the meaning of life that each father has demonstrated in his way. Even the most difficult message can be deciphered with respect for him. There may even be fathers who are more eloquent in death than in life.

I am happy to share this with you. I would be more than happy if you could hear the words your father is speaking again while listening to it.

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Father

According to a certain philosopher, the existence of oneself is a "convergence of multiple rhythms" and surprisingly, it seems not to be something firmly established. The boundary of "me," which feels this much immediacy, is ambiguous, and it's said that it's difficult to define where begins and ends, unable to clearly distinguish between the inside and outside.

Learning about this idea, I reflected on my current life, where I belong to different communities while having various facets. If we think of each place as a layer, it can be said that by weaving layers upon layers, I am "brought to life." Each layer of myself is imperfect while still being myself, and for those who have lost sight of their overall identity, it may lead to significant fluctuations and losses in identity.

When faced with the question of what oneself is, I find it necessary to temporarily distance myself from activities in each layer and take an overarching view of "something like myself." While I have not yet reached a state where things are quite good overall, I realized that, while playing this tune, it's possible to overlay each layer anew. If inclined, it's also possible to let go. Perhaps this is what the philosopher earlier referred to as the convergence of rhythms.

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Layer1

This new piece, Grief Music, is for people who struggle to get over a sense of loss. It's unscripted, with no retake, no edits, and no score. Essentially, it's raw and as you listen, you may notice mistakes, background noise, a somewhat harsh piano touch, and bad audio quality.

This story is about a woman who lost the one and only person in her life. She seemed to live unemotionally as if she were free from sorrows and pain. I had no idea what to say, as it felt like the only thing one could do for her was to leave her alone and not ask more.

As I played this, I could feel her "swamp". How do we navigate our way out of such a swamp? We all encounter our swamps in life, more or less frequently. Once we are stuck on it, It looks quite hard to escape from it.

One thing is certain - we will overcome these toughest moments eventually. If only we could accept the loss, we might be able to rebuild a new relationship with that person, even after the painful loss.

I'm happy to share this with you, and I hope it helps you in dealing with your loss. Thank you.

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Swamp

This marks my third release on Catalog, and I appreciate you taking the time to listen.

Have you ever wondered how people react when suddenly diagnosed with a disease? In most cases, they'll lose their composure due to the overwhelming anxiety of an uncertain future.

Malignant lymphoma, a form of cancer that transforms white blood cells known as lymphocytes into cancerous ones, struck my friend suddenly. My friend had to undergo a challenging and lengthy treatment process. This melody was an improvisation, played with the hope that it might offer some solace in its battle. My friend accepted the situation and achieved a miraculous recovery, maintaining a positive attitude and hope. 

It is profoundly difficult to empathize with the darkness and torment that a person is facing. What words can we offer to someone who has lost everything they once took for granted: health, happiness, and hope? Regardless of our sincere intentions, in the end, it may become a matter for others to deal with. On the other hand, the feeling of powerlessness, the sense that we might be incapable of saving them, is deeply painful. For those who care about someone, it's crucial to have the courage to sink together.

I'm delighted to share this with you. If you could listen to this song with the background in mind, it would mean the world to me as a performer. Thank you.

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Lymphoma

I am honored to be here and thank you for listening.

Which is harder, to leave or to be left behind? No one can answer that easily. I believe that both feel a sense of loss. This melody tells a story about that.

It is true when people say that everyone must go at some time - that's the circle of life.  It's easy to say and difficult to accept, as anyone who has lost will understand.  I used to tell myself, "Please leave it as it is. I won't leave the pain behind because that would be admitting an ending. Why do I have to change anything?"  I might have tried to keep things inside, keep things the same, blame myself, and feel unconsciously guilty in order not to put my hurt on others.

This melody has been my release.  As soon as I finished playing this song "Leave You," tears streamed down my face uncontrollably. I will never feel that moment again, never relive it. I felt something pass through me.  At that moment I realized that I was able to forgive myself and release my guilt. Strangely, I felt no regret or pain. I finally accepted that I had to leave you quietly, in peace.

Memories last forever, we are sometimes afraid of change. I think it is not intellectual understanding but a somatic sensation that leads us to leave. We need to wait and listen to our inner voice carefully until the time comes. We will surely make a decision to leave on our own.

I strongly believe that this melody expresses something certain, just like salvation or forgiveness. I am happy to share it with you. I hope it will be collected by someone who loves it, as well as the emotion and perspective surrounding the melody. If you are interested in my story, I will tell you more about it later on Discord. Thank you.

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Leave You

This is my first release, and my genesis 1/1 so I would like to explain my music. 

It's for people who struggle to get over a sense of loss. I always play the piano for them to help heal their sorrows. As you listen to the music, it may sound like a demo; you might find some mistakes, noises, and incorrect chords in it. The music is improvised, and I recorded it in one take. In addition, these situations don't permit me to use formal recording equipment. When I am playing in the presence of others, I always feel it is more important to share the moment, play authentically and breathe the same air, than it is to play accurately. This allows me to match the emotion of the specific time and place. No retake, no arrangement, and no score. This is Grief music - this is what I have named it. 

Alexithymia is a term to describe the inability to identify ones own or another person's emotions. When suffering from serious damage to our inner world, we are often prone to pretend we are unharmed. After that, we have lost our real emotions. 

In retrospect, I may have been able to accept my grief through playing the piano for those who hold similar difficulties in their life. By facing my grief, I found the desperate need to express the shouting of my heart. While playing this melody, I felt that It was about time to receive "closure". At the same time, my hope is that this might have something valuable for others.
 
I am happy to share my music with you - I hope it will be collected by a person who loves it and also the bigger picture surrounding the melody. If you are interested in my story I will tell you in more detail later.

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